Friday, January 18, 2008

Guest Post: She Just Wants To Be Friends. Or Does She?

Lately I've been asking friends to type up a guest post about anything on their minds. Thanks to Miss Teri for what will hopefully be the first of many special guest appearances from many different people.

As I'm studying the never ending vocabulary for the GRE I find myself pondering one simple question. Signal, sign, indication, gesture, gesticulate, hint, suggest, imply... the list goes on and on. The question that keeps coming back is…"Why is it we need to have so many words that mean the same thing?"

As a single girl trying to maneuver the obstacles of dating, I've come to realize the role that words or the "lack of words" play in dating. Even with the plethora of words to choose from it seems that from woman to man communication is somehow lost in translation. Even moreso between the men and women that choose to partake in the dating game.

Guys, aside from asking straight out "do you like me?" have you ever wondered how to tell if the girl likes you? There really is no 100% full proof guaranteed way to tell, but there are some signs, signals and indications a girl will use to show a guy that she is only interested in being friends. But they don't always work. Either the guy doesn't know what to look for or he just chooses to ignore the signals. Now guys, if you're thinking that you surely know how to read the signs, then it's quite possible that the girl just doesn't know how to give them.

There are probably times when you think she is giving you mixed signals and this may be the case. It's possible that she hasn't figured out if she likes you or not. If you enjoy her company, just hang in there, eventually you'll get tired of waiting around and will move on, or she will figure it out and the signals should become clear. In the worst case scenario, you'll have another friend to add to your myspace. You haven't lost too much, unless you've allowed yourself to fall head over heels in love with her, in which case you have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

Following is a list of what I would and would not do to let a guy know that I'm DEFINITELY not interested in being more than friends, but that I would like to be friends. These indications are usually used in the beginning stages, when we are just getting to know each other, most likely on the first couple of dates or "get-togethers" (I wouldn't call it a date if unless I was interested in the guy).

- I don't carry on long conversations over the telephone. I reserve these telephone conversation for those "up till the crack of dawn I want to know everything about your childhood dreams" talks.
- I talk about dating and the relationship I have with other guys.
- I don't let the guy pay. And if he insists on paying this time I insist on paying the next. Or we split the bill. Nothing says date more than allowing the guy to pay for you, and nothing says friends more than the splitting of the bill.
- I don't let the guy pick me up, instead I meet him in a non intimate place.
- I stay away from the movie theater.
- If I hang out with him I'll stick to active activities.
- I keep the conversations very light, avoiding topics that the guy is sensitive about. Usually guys will only open up to girls they are interested in having a relationship with ( aside from a good friend of course. )
- I don't take his coat no matter how cold I am.
- I don't let him carry my stuff even if its really heavy.
- I don't sit or walk close enough where he might try brush against me. Some guys use slight physical contact to test a girl's reaction.
- I choose not to share food or drinks with the guy.
- I don't give him the opportunity to open doors for me.
- I refer to him as buddy, homie, dude etc.

The list can go on and on, but basically girls avoid letting guys assume any role that she would want a boyfriend or close friend play for her. Allowing the guy to play this role means one of 2 things. He either cares about you as a good friend or as some sort of male "protector of sorts". Of course the majority of male-female relationships will not and certainly do not fit within these black and white guidelines. Often, in long term friendships between a male and a female, they will assume many of these roles for each other. And these friendships can be very rewarding, because they have found a way to exist in the gray. In my opinion the gray is what matters in life. Gray is where living occurs but its also where things tend to get complicated. =)


dreamngurl said...

So i was jus randomly surfin the web and i came along this webpage. lol. And i understand the list is to help a guy out but is there a list for girls? I mean guys are not the only ones that have a hard time figuring out if a gurl likes them, a girl does too. Its confusing at times because a girl never knows if a guy wants to be just friends or if he wants to become more than just friends. So i was just wondering if you can make a list to help the girls out? Thank You ;-)

Phimmy said...

hey thanks for the comment! in fact i was just working on the guy version of this post. it coulda been up sooner but in all honesty i didn't think you ladies had this problem. shows you how much i know! har.

dreamngurl said...

Yeah man girls everyday are having problems like that, and trust me i would know it. Im kindof in that situation now. lol But thank you for making the list also.

John said...

Dude, Jimmy this is an awesome post. Mad props to your friend that wrote it. I am kinda going through this right now and it was gave me a nice dose of reality. Good luck on the girl version. I am sure that is not going to be easy to write.

Phimmy said...

yeah, if only i knew about this stuff years ago. oh well.

it's gonna take a while for me to do the guy version cuz i'm gonna ask around and see what other guys do in this situation. wanna contribute?

zman franz said...

Gray Area is the problem for sure. Women are happy navigating gray areas with men involving different levels of friendship, connection, and attraction whereas men view the boundarie in a much more black and white fashion. Friend= no sex Girl friend =sex! Nice and easily defineable!